Pardon my Procrastination

February 11, 2018

353 words

At first I thought I’d tiptoe around my procrastination these past three-plus months, pretending that it was some dark lump you wouldn’t see if I aimed the spotlight elsewhere. You might never have noticed my silence, since no doubt you’ve been as wrapped up in the bizarre events of daily public life as I have, thinking nary a thought about anything other than who hasn’t been fired and what’s for dinner. And then it hit me that my misshapen lump of do-nothingness was becoming a luxurious habit, which perhaps I can overcome if I light it up.

The thing to do is check whether Ambrose Bierce has done the job for me. His Devil’s Dictionary (first published in 1906) has all manner of useful definitions. See, for example, “bore”: “A person who talks when you wish him to listen.” Or “November”: “The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.” Or “injury”: “An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.” Apparently, though, Bierce wasn’t a procrastinator; it didn’t occur to him to define our term. So I’ll have to imagine what he might have said had he ever thought to have a go of it.

Procrastination: the art of postponing the now for never.

Procrastination: the science of not working up a sweat while waiting for air conditioning to be invented.

Procrastination: the practice of deficit-financing your daily life.

Procrastination: the joke you play on your older self.

Procrastination: the economics of borrowing against your later default.

Procrastination: the psychology of doing nothing now in the hopes that you won’t have to do it later.

Procrastination: the morality of pledging the ice cream in hand for the broccoli you’ll eat tomorrow.

Procrastination: a medical condition that inflicts the early bird with higher cholesterol.

Procrastination: a form of unemployment benefits for the fully employed.

Procrastination: having dessert before you fill up with salad.

I could go on, but I’d be procrastinating. And I’ve resolved to put off my procrastination. Call it concrastination. Expect a new post any day (right after a fortnight’s rest).

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